How to deal with relationship anxiety

Many people are interested in the question, what is relationship anxiety and how does it manifest itself? It is a feeling of anxiety, insecurity and doubt that appears in a relationship, even if there is no reason for it.

You are dating a good person whom you love. You have developed a trusting relationship, you know the boundaries and have learned each other's way of communicating. But at the same time you are haunted by a sense of anxiety in the relationship so you keep asking your partner and yourself different questions.

How long will this last? How do you know if you are right for each other? What if your partner has some secrets that you don't know about? What if you can't maintain a serious relationship?

These kinds of questions and constant worry are called relationship anxiety. How normal is it?

As the famous psychotherapist Astrid Robertson says, “Anxiety in relationships is common.”

Mostly you observe feelings of anxiety at the beginning of a relationship until you find out that your partner is also interested in communicating with you. Sometimes these feelings also arise after a long term serious relationship.

Over time, such anxiety can cause:

• emotional stress;
• lack of motivation;
• feelings of fatigue and emotional exhaustion;
• digestive and other physical ailments.

This anxiety may not be related to the relationship itself, but it can result in behaviors that actually cause big problems and stressful situations for you and your partner.

What are the symptoms of relationship anxiety?

Anxiety in a case can manifest itself in many different ways.

Many people start to feel insecure at some point in time, especially at the beginning of dating when a commitment is just beginning to form. This is quite common, so you shouldn't worry about fears or doubts that will soon pass, especially if they don't bother you much.

But sometimes these anxious thoughts can creep into your normal life.

There are a number of potential signs of relationship anxiety.

You worry about how important you are to your partner. As Dr. Robertson says, the most common expressions of anxiety in relationships involve questions such as “How important am I?”, “Are you there for me?”. These indicate a maximal need for complete belonging and a sense of confidence in your chosen one.

For example, you may be worried that:

• your chosen one will not miss you much when you are not around him;
• he may not help you when you need him most;
• he's there for selfish reasons;
• you're not sure how your loved one feels about you.

You have said to each other “I love you” or “I really like you.” Your partner is always happy to see you, often gives you various gifts, walks you home and often calls you to see how you are doing.

But you still doubt the sincerity of his feelings and their unselfishness.

Maybe your partner doesn't always want physical intimacy or doesn't return calls during the day? Suddenly becomes distant, and you think that you are no longer loved?

It's common for many people to experience these feelings, but these worries can turn into an obsession if there is relationship anxiety.

You are worried that your chosen one wants to leave you. A strong relationship makes you feel needed, loved, secure and happy. Therefore, you want these feelings to not pass and nothing could destroy your connection.

But such thoughts often turn into a constant feeling of fear that you might be abandoned. Such worries can become a problem if you start changing your behavior to bind your chosen one more firmly to you.

For example, you might:

1. Not discussing important issues with your partner such as constant tardiness, which is very important to you in a relationship.
2. Ignore when your chosen one does some things that are unpleasant for you, for example, walks around the house in street shoes.
3. Worry that he will get angry with you, even if there is no reason for it.
4. Doubting the longevity of the relationship.

Relationship anxiety can cause you to doubt whether you're really right for each other, even if you're doing great. You may also worry about whether you are really happy or if it is just an illusion.

In this case, you may focus on various little things. For example, you like comedies and your partner likes dramas and exaggerate the importance of such information.

Relationship sabotage

Anxiety in relationships can lead to sabotaging behavior. There are several signs of sabotage:

• Constant arguments with your chosen one;
• Aversion to help, even if you are in trouble;
• Testing the strength of the relationship, such as meeting with a former friend or girlfriend secretly from your partner.

You may do this without malice, but the main purpose is that you want to make sure that your current relationship is strong.

You want to believe that your partner's attempts to push you away and his or her resistance speaks to his or her strong love. But Robertson says it's often difficult for your chosen one to understand what's behind your actions.

Reading his words and actions

A habit of paying too much attention to his words and actions can also indicate relationship anxiety. Perhaps he doesn't like to cuddle in public. Or, when you want to move in with him, he doesn't want to throw out old furniture.

Of course, all of these nuances could indicate a potential problem, but it's more likely that it's just that your partner is very shy and doesn't like to be watched by strangers while cuddling with you, or he really likes his old couches and chairs.

Neglecting important points

Are you still unsure if you have relationship anxiety?

Take a second look at yourself and answer the question, “Am I still spending a lot of time worrying about this relationship than the happy moments in it?”.

Everyone has difficult periods. But if you feel this way all the time, you are most likely being haunted by some relationship anxiety.

What else is causing it?

It will take some time and self-assessment to find out the causes of such anxiety, as there is no definite clear cause. Sometimes it can be difficult to find the reasons for this behavior.

Dr. Robertson believes that a person may not even be aware of the causes of anxiety, but regardless of their manifestations, they are mostly related to longing for a relationship. At the same time, anxiety can also be exacerbated by external factors, such as alcohol consumption. 

There are a number of factors that can be important:

Experiences from previous relationships

Constant memories of a past relationship can still affect you now, even if you think you've managed to forget and get over it all by now.

You may experience anxiety in a current relationship if a former loved one:

• cheated;
• left without saying a word;
• lied about loving you;
• lied about the nature of your relationship because it means nothing to him.

It's natural to feel anxious about trusting someone again when you've recently been hurt badly, even if your current chosen one is quite honest with you and shows no signs of manipulation.

There are specific triggers that you may not even notice that can remind you of past negative experiences and sow doubt and anxiety in you.

Low self-esteem

It can sometimes cause insecurity in relationships. Through research, it has been known that people with low self-esteem are most insecure about their partner's feelings if they are insecure about themselves. This behavior is a kind of mirroring of themselves in their chosen one.

Thus, feeling disappointed in yourself makes you think that your friend or girlfriend has the same feelings about you.

Meanwhile, people with high self-esteem try to assert themselves through their relationships if they start to feel insecure about themselves.

Attachment style

This style, which you begin to develop as a child, can affect your adult life.

If your parents or loved ones responded instantly to your problems with full support and love, you are likely to have developed a secure attachment style.

If you were neglected as a child and not given opportunities for self-development, your attachment style may be minimally secure.

These insecure attachment styles can cause anxiety in relationships and can manifest in a variety of ways:

1. Avoidant attachment can cause anxiety about the degree of commitment you can make or the depth of the relationship.
2. Anxious attachment can cause fear that your chosen one will leave you.

Having said that, a secure attachment style is not always an indication that you are prone to feeling anxious in a relationship all the time.

As Jason Wheeler, Ph.D., says, a person can't go from one attachment style to another, but they can find a compromise that prevents an insecure attachment style from affecting your life and holding you back in a relationship.

A tendency to ask questions

Personality issues can also suffer from relationship anxiety.

You may need to consider different outcomes of a situation before making a certain decision. Or you may simply always be in the habit of carefully considering your every move.

If you're constantly asking yourself too many questions about your partner, even after you've made your choice, it's likely that you're wasting time to put your relationship to the test. This isn't entirely a bad thing. Sometimes it's good to analyze your choices so you won't be disappointed later if you fail.

But it can become a problem if you get too caught up in a mass of questions and self-judgment that won't lead to a good outcome.

Are you able to overcome this?

It may seem impossible today, but relationship anxiety can be overcome, although it may take a lot of time and effort and more than just your partner saying, “We're doing just fine.”

As Robertson says, anxiety doesn't necessarily mean that there are any problems in the relationship, because a person can be really genuinely loved without any hindsight. But until he himself feels that love and sincerity of feelings, the anxiety may not go away.

Therefore, the doctor says that anxiety should be fought at an early stage, before it grows into a big problem.

Our recommendations will help you get rid of feelings of anxiety.

Maintain your individuality and identity

As you get closer to your partner over time, you may notice that key parts of your individuality and identity start to shift, making room for your partner and your relationship with them.

More often than not, this happens naturally as you become a full-fledged couple. And while minor changes, such as sleeping without clothes on, may not pose a big problem, more significant changes can bring discomfort.

Losing your own self or changing to please your partner won't help strengthen the relationship. Remember, the number one reason your chosen one wanted to date you is because of the way you are. If you start adjusting to your partner, suppressing your feelings and desires, you may eventually lose your sense of self worth. Also, your partner may become disappointed in you because he or she will think that you have become the wrong person to love.

Try to be more mindful

Modern mindfulness practices are designed to have you focus your awareness on what is happening now, without discussion. If negative thoughts arise, you should acknowledge them and let them go.

This practice can be helpful if you can't get out of a negative thought, and it can also help you prioritize your daily relationship with your partner.

As a result, the relationship may end after a couple months or years, but you can be happy and enjoy it the whole time.

Practice communicating in a positive way

Often relationship anxiety is internal, so it may be related to your chosen one.

But if the anxiety has a ground, for example, playing with the phone during an important conversation or your partner's refusal to spend family holidays with your loved ones, it is necessary to solve this issue without scandals and mutual accusations. Moreover, anxiety can lead to more serious conditions, such as depression. While there are alternative methods of treating depression, the recovery process is often more complex than addressing anxiety. That’s why it’s best to start managing anxiety in its early stages—if you already feel that it’s affecting your well-being, taking action now can prevent the need for more intensive treatment later.

Tips from a professional psychologist

A great importance during such conversations can have its own “I”. For example, instead of telling your partner that he has withdrawn from you lately and you find it difficult to accept this, it is better to say that you feel that a distance has appeared between you, which makes me realize that your feelings have changed.

Even if you are sure of your chosen one's love and that your worries are purely internal, it is better to tell him about it.

You can tell him about your thoughts and how you are trying to cope with your anxiety. He can assure you that everything is fine, and these words may not take away the anxiety completely, but they will most likely calm you down a bit.

Also, being open and vulnerable can make your bond even stronger.

Avoid actions that are based on feelings

Sometimes the worries of a relationship can cause you to look for evidence that everything is okay.

It's natural to want to reassure yourself, but don't try to find that proof in ways that are harmful and unhelpful to yourself and your partner.

Pay attention to whether there is a difference between your normal behavior and actions you do impulsively. Texting or calling your partner frequently may be the norm in your relationship, and having a quiet conversation can help make your bond even stronger.

That said, constantly monitoring what your partner is doing, who they are communicating with, and where they are now can lead to a lot of conflict.

If you feel the need to do so, try practicing deep breathing, taking a walk down the street, or simply calling your friend or girlfriend.

Consult a therapist

If you can't cope with relationship anxiety, it's best to consult a professional who can help you solve the problem. It is also an effective method of coping with the consequences of such a condition.

It is best to come to see a therapist with your partner, so that he or she can take a comprehensive look at the problem and give you both important recommendations.

The therapist will also help:

• understand your own feelings and each other's feelings and underlying needs;
• hear each other's core experiences without judgment or defense;
• show care in ways that soothe or calm anxiety.

You don't have to see a therapist all the time, because there are times when one session is enough for your couple to mend their relationship.

Frequent questions

What is relationship anxiety?

Relationship anxiety can have different types, such as worrying about your loved one's feelings and being afraid of them leaving. You may also worry about whether your connection will last long or doubt the sincerity of your partner's feelings.

What are the signs of relationship anxiety?

You may worry a lot about the relationship and this can drain you emotionally, leading to physical problems such as digestive distress. You may feel unmotivated in your current relationship or realize that you are sabotaging yourself by starting arguments with your chosen one.

What is relationship anxiety at the beginning of a relationship?

You may have anxiety at the beginning of a relationship because you don't yet know if your partner has the same feelings for you. You may also have doubts about whether you need the connection. Such doubts can undermine your potential partner's trust, especially at the start of your connection when you don't yet know how he or she will react to your actions.

How do I overcome relationship anxiety?

Recommendations for managing anxiety consist of taking steps to preserve your own identity, practicing positive communication with your partner, and a stop sign before saying something or taking a certain action. If there is a problem, a psychotherapist can be consulted.

Conclusion

No relationship can be called definite. And many people find it difficult to accept this fact. No person can completely get rid of anxiety in a relationship, but there are a number of things you can do to remove the constant feeling of anxiety and spend more time with your loved one, enjoying each new day with him.

Anxiety can cause chronic fatigue, impaired sleep and even affect physical health, such as triggering cardiovascular disease. Therefore, it is important not to ignore anxiety symptoms and seek professional help in a timely manner. For more insights on mental health, symptom management, and effective coping strategies, visit our main page.